you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
