Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
