Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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