you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
