Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
