Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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