this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
