FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
