nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
