i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
