There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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