last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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