insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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