I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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