I met the friendliest cop last night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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