Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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