Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
