I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
