If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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