yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
