Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You left your phone here
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