Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
