The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
