It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
