I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
