My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
