Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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