I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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