2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
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