I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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