Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
