Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
