I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
