Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
