You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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