I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
