Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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