Sober January is a disaster.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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