If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
