apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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