maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
