Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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