Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my being single is dangerous.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
