plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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