How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
