i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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