I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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