I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
