I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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