My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
