Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
