i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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