I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
