My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
