new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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