peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
