It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
