i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
