Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
