god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
