if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Did I turn a man straight...??