i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!